Please Kenshi, come to me,
Enlighten my soul with your presence.
When in darkness I can not see,
But I know joy is your true essence.

I am at peace when you are here,
Happiness is all around.
The foggy sky will ever be clear,
When my beloved Kenshi is now found.

I think it ain't the real name. Kenshi I mean. Maybe it is Kansha or something similar. It is a Japanese or Chinese (oriental) term for a quick moment of total inner peace and happiness. It might last but a mere couple of seconds, but to me it is one of the most powerful experiences there is. If life could be like that, it would be the most wonderful thing ever. Imagine the moment you hear that the girl you have always loved loves you too, win the lottery, find a cure for AIDS, and help a kid find his lost doll, all at the same time. That plus more is the feeling Kenshi brings.

So now I am out on a quest to find Kenshi. Maybe I will be able to experience it more often. The better I feel, the more moments of Kenshi I experience. Though the most powerful Kenshi I had so far, which lasted for more than a hour, was at one of my deepest downs.

What I find interesting that half of my moments of Kenshi come when I am riding my bike. Being in the open with the wind in your hair must be a trigger for it or something like that. Maybe I should go out and cruise around more. I wish I could save that feeling of Kenshi, bottle it, and use it when I really need it. Maybe one day I can capture a fragment of it in words. I am looking forward to that day.

And when that all shattered I felt I'd broken my fall
Couldn't pretend that I felt strong about us anymore
Without your help I finally started to live my own life
I just want you to know this time

Hmm, it is time to let go. I've suffered enough for you, without reason. Selfishness. Now the time has come to go on and start building a foundation without you. Built a wall without the back-doors you implemented last time. Little holes into my mind, draining it, destroying it.

No, it is enough now.

Aah well, life is still a beautiful thing. If you can be grateful for what you have, and trust me, you have a lot, it can be wonderful. We are used to compare what we have with others. Why? Are others happier than us? Do we actually need certain stuff to be happy? Is true happiness found in a new computer, a new car? I don't know, it can be. But true happiness can always be found in yourself. And the good about that is, you never lose, though it sometimes may feel that way. It is liberating to know that you have everything you need to be happy with you, at all times. Freedom.

It is so soothing, writing down your thoughts like this, not knowing if any other living soul will ever read them. Have no expectations, nothing to hide, nothing to share. I write for me, it is my therapy. Finding inspiration in the songs I hear, the smells in the air, the colour and intensity of the light in front of me.

Something might happen that change your life. And it might not. It might happen in an instant, or it could take years. In fact, every single second is decisive in the quest of becoming the person you are. Therefore it might be good to live every second just like that. Every single second is a second for your benefit, it happens because it must happen to create the you you are. It is a comforting thought, knowing that every moment of your life is for your own benefit. In fact, it is one of the greatest realizations there is. Every moment is automatically accepted and therefore stripped of its negativity by thinking so. What a joyful world it can be indeed.

In a bed of flowers,
Beneath the sparkly light,
I found my love is ours,
In confusion I cried.

How could it be that you,
Forever in acceptance now,
Set me free as you do,
To you my angel, I bow.

I like to call them imppoems, short for improvised poems. They are nothing more than my brain trying to rhyme a couple of words together without thinking of content and context. It is my way of getting emotion out. I tried music, it failed. I tried drawing and sketching, well, I tried for like one minute. It failed. This is my way of putting emotion into something you can store for later. A savefile for my mood. Though I doubt I can fully recreate or relive the mood I was in by reading this. But that is ok. Everything is ok. The Universe has an unique thing to it. In the end, everything is ok for those who see death as a friend. And why should you do otherwise? How can live freely whilst in fear of dying? Of course there are those who think I might be suicidal for calling Death my friend. It is not like that, as Death is the friend you know is there for you, and will meet when the time is there. No need to rush it, since you will meet him anyway. Or maybe Death is a her. That would be awesome. A granny, or a little girl with a balloon asking you to follow her and play with her in the eternal fields of not-being. Death is black, but it can be the light as well. And it is ok, just like everything is ok. That is the nature of things. Sometimes it seems we have a hard time remembering that. Or at least, I have a hard time remembering it since I can't speak for someone else. I wish you are happy. I love you.

I dwell in dreams,
At least,
So it seems.

Maybe one day the dreams will be true. Or maybe they are true already? Why would a dream be fake? A dream can be just as real as what we call "real life". We tend to forget that, and dwell in real life, forgetting our dreams. Forgetting our ideals. Yeah, I did that. Not any more.

Silently awaiting orders,
I know they will not come,
Murder and thieves will call her,
I won't hear, I'm on the run.

In this life I stand betrayed,
Yet that is only what I feel,
Maybe it is the happiness I slayed,
Which makes this dream is real.

I've been conceiving you for too long. No, I am not pregnant. Thoughts, trying to catch them, understand them. I've been conceiving you for too long. Too long I've been putting myself aside for your happiness, too long I tried to understand you. Now I do, and I feel depressed about it. You will never be happy if you keep on doing what you are doing. Realize that. Accept that. Happiness will come.

In dreams I lie awake, at peace,
Dwelling in love, forever delay,
Wanting it in the end to be,
No more, no, I got ripped away.

In the shadow of time, the pain stays. Why is it that I feel so connected to another soul? Why must I endure this torture. My soul is torn by that which I can not have. Why do I crave so much, whilst I with all my heart know it isn't good. I guess I want that special someone to be happy. Happiness I can not give. It hurts. I am so emphatic that I share the pain of someone else? Or am I egoistic and is it my own suffering I feel.

I don't know. What I do know is that it will be alright. It will always be alright. My friend awaits me on the other side.

Is there any? A truth? Something that is true?

Is truth real, or just a whisper of our imagination? 2 + 2 = 4? Yes, it is, if you follow the guidelines made by men considering mathematics. But does that make it true? Real? Is it more than something our mind has made up?

Questions. Can words ever tell truth, or can they only hint at it? Will we ever know?

A little experiment. What if something would come up and show you the entire world is fake. Like in the matrix for instance. Everything you believed to be true is shattered, broken down to binary code. And you would awaking in a new place, a new world. Would that make the old world false? And, will that make the new world real? Can't the new world just be another layer of virtual reality?

The same with God. God is infinitely more advanced than human. It is supreme, more perfect than we will ever be. If something godlike would reveal itself, can we be sure it would be God? Couldn't it be just a more advanced alien specie saying it is God? In the end, will one ever know whether God is true or false? Or is He both? Is He none? Is He a She, an It? Can we know? Will we know? Must we know?

When you believe 100%, without reservations, that something is true, it will be. Because you won't doubt it, ever. So as long as you keep 100% faith, it will be so. It will be so until new insights will make you doubt whether it is so. But if your faith is strong and deep enough, no insight will likely be able to change your mind. If your way of thinking will never doubt that single thing you believe is true, then none will. And it will be true. We are able to make our own world with strong enough believe.

What consequences would that have? And, how does your world looks like?